Sunday, 7 April 2013

Pain Eternal

Sometimes I feel so disconnected from the human race, from this existence on earth, I feel like I am not even human, I feel like I am a watcher, I feel like I had hope once, that I had a naive cloudy fairytale view of the human race and so someone else decided to shove my face up against the window of humanity.. to see it for what it really was.. to teach me a lesson.. to open my eyes to the truth.. to take away my innocence and to take away my make believe world that everything was a happy fluffy fairytale land of peace and love and happy endings.

One thing the internet has done for me is show me how humans really are, there is such a large spectrum of what is seen as moral and ethical, such an extreme of values and opinions, there's open minds and completely brainwashed and closed minds.. intelligence and stupidity, love and cruelty... Some days all I can see is how evil and utterly heartless the human race is, it can be really difficult to get passed seeing that, any kindness or show of love or compassion is just trodden and buried by the intense darkness and never ending evils that the humans create.. to each other, to the innocent creatures of this world, to the earth herself...
Even when trying to avoid seeing all this by not looking at the news reports or by avoiding certain groups of people, there's constant small reminders, little cold indifferent or cruel comments on a facebook post that might be only just a few words, but it screams a million in pain and soul wrenching agony. Some days I can't help but think the human race are just freak mutations, gross ugly flesh tearing monsters, with evil at the heart of their very existence, they have turned this beautiful balanced world into a gross hellish planet...and they think this is not who they really are. I have no idea how any good can emanate from this disgusting hell of a species.

Sunday, 31 March 2013

Split Down The Middle

I don't know if it was a dream or just my weird imagination, but as I lay in my bed on Sunday morning, idly thinking about the day ahead and the day gone by,  I started to feel my body separate...splitting in two, right down my spine and through my heart, the two sides separated sideways for a while, it felt strange but not unnatural.. my heart felt protected though like it was made of rubber, like my whole body was made of rubber, it was still alive but it did not need to move, my heart did not need to beat and my blood was suspended, not governed by the rules of time and space. it felt almost like it was a perfectly natural way for my body to be, my soul felt free to fly, the door was open....but then I got scared and the sides came back together and I breathed.

Artwork by

Original male face stock image used in graphic is credited to

Saturday, 13 October 2012

love! is the answer

I was sitting at my desk, when my pc decided to freeze on me... I had to wait for a bit, for it unfreeze.. so my eyes happened to be idle for a while.
I looked down at my desk..I saw an old bit of folded up paper, worn and creased up, I was sure it wasn't there 5 minutes ago or ever actually, no idea how it got there or when... I unfolded it and tears came to my eyes when I realised what it was...something I hadn't seen for a very long time, it was a poem my ex had written for me when I was having a hard time at work and feeling very low. I had kept this poem in my pocket, always close to me to remind me that I was loved and that love helped me be strong and get through my day.

Then life happened, I lost track of it, we broke up..
I hadn't thought about the poem at all actually, for well over a year.. I have even moved cities since then... and it suddenly appears right in front of me, at this very moment.

I've had such a rough time of things this last year or so, my hardship at worked turned into full on bullying by several men, my sister also died suddenly this year and I lost any affection my father may of had for me.. to put it lightly, things have not been good, and I have to admit I am suffering through it, desperately trying to distract myself from my own pain, I'm trying to hide away from myself.. sounds absurd when I say that.

My ex was not always the most loving of men, but that one moment, that one poem is now a reminder to me, one I was needing right now.. it reminds me that I am lovable, I can love and be loved, and it is definitely the answer.

So thank you, if you are reading this, I appreciate who you were to me, I appreciate that you cared, and you can still make miracles, even now the cords have been broken a long while ago.

follow your feet
listen to your heart
my thoughts are with you
even when we're apart

there's nothing to worry
nothing to fear
life shows you it's mystery
when you're still, when you're here

don't let them distract you
allow just a flow
for the days will go quickly
whether you're happy, or low

remember your keys
for unlocking inside
is the grandest of feelings
you've no place to hide

love! is the answer
love, is this space
for love is what i know
when i gaze at your face


Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Endless Foreverness

Here, in the torrent of fast moving mortality, expecting, thinking, wondering, worrying... grabbing moments here and there.. dreading, fearing, waiting for the experiences to come.. the torrent of that river of time grabs me and holds onto me so tight.. I can only take a moment to cling onto a fallen branch or jutting rock, to remember...

To remember that point in time, where the point was truly endless, hours did not mean a thing, nor days or weeks.. I was just there.. just being...

Being in another endless souls presence, its hard to describe but, even when no words were spoken, or we were doing nothing at all.. it felt like a whole lot of something... peaceful, silent joy, gentle warmth and feeling of what can only be described as.. love..

Love for the moment, the endless moment of being connected.. no thoughts of yesterday or tomorrow, no worries of anything but the smell of grass, the velvet touch of a daisy petal on my cheek, the warmth of the sun on my skin, the sound of soft breathing from my friend as she sleeps next to me, the flutter of her eyelids and smile of content, and my own smile as I relished this tapestry of beauty around me that seemed like forever.

And it was forever, day and night had no meaning.. only that they shined their magic, showed me their beautiful unique qualities, I felt no need to follow their paths with wake and sleep, only to be in their presence and allow my body to find its own way.. no rush to get anything done, started or finished, only feeling of foreverness and slow soft existence. I could create at my own tempo, explore feelings and thoughts, and form them into something pleasing to me, no worries if its right or liked by others.. none of that.. that did not enter into my mind at all. not like now..

Now, as I am here, alone in the darkness, slower but, I feel the weight of the fast river of time pulling, I know it will pull me back in soon, I cling tighter onto the rock that helps me look to the shore, that still, unmoving land, with green pastures and hills all white and yellow with daisies and buttercups, remembering when the river was not even here, just a gentle stream I would sit by.. never did I think I would get caught up in such a torrent of raging time..

Time pulls at my aching body, I weep, as I cling to that rock and long for that point, that expansive and beautiful point of endless foreverness.

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Book Review - Emotional Blackmail

Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward

This really has to be one of the most important books I have ever read.. so I guess I never felt I could say enough to justify its importance.. but I have to start some place.. it's part of my everyday life now that am sure its affects will come through in other posts..

Emotional blackmail is a huge business, everyone does it to an extent, and everyone at some point falls prey to it..

This book is all about recognising when you are in the blackmailers grasp, and how to react and change your own behaviour toward the blackmailer so you do not become a 'victim' of it.. and its only small changes you need to make, changing a couple of words in a response can turn around a potential destructive conversation, and being consistent in those changes can completely turn around a damaging relationship.

Personally this book has helped me see when people around me have been emotionally blackmailing me, realising the anger, stress, and especially guilt I felt, was actually due to being blackmailed, when I began to see that, and realise it, I could then basically, 'let myself off the hook'.. just recognising it for what it is, is a huge step into breaking free from its affects.

Don't get me wrong, I still feel all that stuff.. you tell me I'm an awful person because I don't do this or that for you, then yeah, I will feel like crap... but now I can take a step back, see the blackmailing, see my own feelings toward it and respond in another way to how I would usually respond.

My new way of responding actually has at times strengthened me massively, to the point it increased my self esteem and confidence when the other person was hell bent on destroying that,..... of course I was delighted in the irony of the outcome.

The book has also helped me to see where I may be emotionally blackmailing other people and curb my behaviours that way.. because I really do not like being emotionally blackmailed, for any reason, so I would not want to do that to someone I care about.

This is a fantastic life changing book... if you are feeling you are being emotionally blackmailed. then I absolutely recommend reading this book... it will change your life.

Monday, 25 July 2011

Book Review - Personality Plus by Florence Littauer

I think what I mainly got from this book is to be more aware of how others are different to me and why.

How a Popular Sanguines motives are usually just to have fun, and they just want everyone else to join in on that fun, he doesn't realise his sense of fun is not others sense of fun, he doesn't mean to lie or offend he only wants to see others enjoy a story even if he's not telling the true story, the truth is less important to a Sanguine... he doesn't want to know about his weaknesses, even when he begs for you to tell him!.

Also how Perfect Melancholies are more prone to depression, and would more likely take your comments to heart, but hes the one you can get into deep meaningful conversations with, a very analytical and deep soul.

And how awesome Peaceful Phlegmatics are, you know you will get on with them, but also know they would need lots of motivation to actually do anything, an exciting passionate romance with one of them just wont happen .. but how peaceful life would be around them.

Powerful Cholerics are great as leaders, not much else to say about them I guess, I think I would rather avoid them in a social situation.

But of course its not as simple as all that, most people are combinations of all these types, or have 'masks' of types hiding the true temperament, but its been interesting to discover myself in there, and witness the traits in others, some are very obvious strong on one major type, others are an obvious mix, others not so easy to define.... it was very interesting to see how I interacted and viewed them before I read the book and now after, much negativity and judgement has gone , especially toward the Popular Sanguine type, which as a strong Perfect Melancholy myself, I found delightful in small doses but failed terribly when trying to have any deeper connection with.
It explains why I can clash with my own type, having two Perfect Melancholies in a relationship can get very painful, as neither partner would ever be 'perfect' enough, and the attempts of both to 'correct' the other would end up in disaster, but also how I can connect with them on a deep level, and the joy of having someone else to analyse with is fantastic!.
And how I so very much appreciate the Peaceful Phlegmatic, and would keep them as friends for a lifetime, but perhaps romantically, it would be rather frustrating...

But a Peaceful Phlegmatic with a dash of Popular Sanguine a hint of Powerful Choleric with a touch of Perfect Melancholy, might make for a very tasty pie.

I think the main discovery I had was that, not getting along with someone did not mean I was a failure, or defective socially, and neither are they, its just the combination of temperaments could not co-exist peacefully, just realising that and accepting it makes all the difference, you don't even need to try to 'fix' it.. if you don't feel like putting in the energy, just accept it and move on, find people you do get along with naturally.

The only other thing I would mention about the book, is that it is written by a Christian, and has a few random religious quotes, great for other Christians, and not too much that it would bother non Christians.

Friday, 22 July 2011


"And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about." ~Haruki Murakami~

You are my storm. I am changed forever.