Wash Away

Funny how this blog process feels so complex. As if I cant just write what I want and leave it at that, but whatever, it gives me a chance to share some of my work and other things I find interesting.

Seems I have this habit of trying to wipe the slate clean, delete my life so far, readjust my focus and thought processes and basically start afresh. Happens every time a close relationship ends for me.. because if I don't.. I give the other person power over me to continue the hurt and pain, dragging it out only hinders the healing process, so no matter how much I want to 'stay friends'.. my default setting is 'delete'!..self preservation in fact.. and so my blog got deleted too.. but that's ok, maybe I can start again with more pure intentions.

Healing wounds can mostly be about time.. changing your thought processes, get your mind into another habit.. thinking about something else basically.. a slow gradual daily washing of memories and thought habits, its basically quitting an addiction, and its not easy, I find myself consciously trying to fill that space with something new, fresh.. and hopefully exciting enough to help push the process on quicker.

And so what if it doesn't last, nothing ever does last anyway.. but its an experience, I can choose what I want to experience, and sometimes these things come with a negative side.
but as Esther said ..."the bugs in the eye are a small price to pay for the exhilaration of that ride"



Just sometimes those bugs can become quite big and ugly things, and sting just that bit too much!

anyway.. so I am changed, perhaps a tad more bitter with more fat ugly bugs in my eyes, but I also am more determined not to take crap from people...
But saying that, overall, certainly in a better place spiritually... probably not the calm serenity of the spiritual person I would like to be, but I do feel more determined, 'cept I'm unsure where my determination is focused right now, I still have unanswered 'meaning of life' questions, I still seek the ultimate truth, even when I know already that I cannot know, I still feel I *should* dammit! like the answer is right there, on the tip on my tongue, like a dream I cant quite remember, but I feel its there, I feel the remnants of it, and the taste of it, but the memory of it is out of reach!

So I question, explore, ponder and think and rethink. I do have a habit of interrogating people who I think might have some answers, so I apologise to those people :) but I'm at a stage when I'm more concerned about the truth than what you think of me.... which for me is progress :)


image used: copyright Robyn Godfrey imajade.com